movies archive at FraudWasteAbuse

From when I was 16 until I was 18, I worked at a movie theater. I did just about everything. I tore tickets, sold tickets, cleaned theaters, worked behind the concession counter, ran the projectors, and even became an assistant manager. I earned minimum wage almost the entire time I worked there, but I didn’t care. The job was a blast.

The job came with several perks. The most important one of course was free movies. We also could drink as much soda and eat as much popcorn as we wanted. No free or discounted candy though. Although many times when we cleaned a theater after a showing we would amazingly find unopened candy boxes. I remember thinking that Starburst was an especially awesome find because even if the bag was opened, each candy was individually wrapped and was thus acceptable for consumption. I know, we were gross.

During my two and a half year employment, I collected a sizeable amount of what most people would call junk. Indeed, looking at it now I too consider most of it junk, but I’m a pack rat and I can’t bear to part with it because “I might need it one day.” Unfortunately my large collection has been whittled down to about a box’s worth of trinkets. I lost several posters and promo kits after a pipe in my parents’ basement burst. I wore through most of the t-shirts and hats long ago. I was forced to throw away a ton of movie trailers during a move. There are other items I know I still have but I just can’t seem to find them. These include several movie trailers, some Star Wars Pepsi cups, and even a reel from the movie Rush Hour.

One of the things I did get a lot of were buttons. I used to think the buttons were cool, but after pulling them out of the box it seems that most of them were from crap movies. I mean, how many people have seen Star Kid. How many people have even heard of Star Kid? I barely remember it myself. For myself and my fellow movie theater employees, these buttons served as a sort of “badge of honor.” We would collect the buttons and wear them on our vest as a sort of indicator as to how long each of us had been working there. For example, a Titanic button was better than an Armageddon button because Titanic came out first and thus made the wearer cooler. We would continue to wear the buttons long after the movie had stopped playing at the theater. Man, were we a bunch of retards or what?

I used to have stacks and stacks of these things. The theater would get shipped about five or six trailers for each movie. When the trailers were no longer being shown I was always sure to snatch a few for my collection. Unfortunately most of the trailers for the good movies disappeared quick, but I managed to get a few decent ones. A few people I worked with were lucky enough to snag a few of the Star Wars Episode I trailers. Sure the movie sucked, but they make nice collectors items.

I’ve been a Star Wars fan as long as I can remember. While I was too young to have seen the original movies when they first were in theaters, I remember watching them on television when I was a kid. I also enjoy a few of the Star Wars game and I’ve even been know to occasionally look at the Unofficial Star Wars Encyclopedia when I’m bored. It doesn’t go much farther than that.

On the other hand, I am not much of a Star Trek fan. I enjoyed several of the movies, but I could never really get into the shows. The shows were too preachy, too predictable, and too full of technobabble. The Prime Directive was annoying and the idea of a utopian future Earth failed to suspend my disbelief.

This leads me into the subject of this post. On one of my previous entries I mentioned a newsgroup I used to read called alt.startrek.vs.starwars. As you could probably deduce from the group’s name, its purpose was to be a place where nerds could gather and debate over whose imaginary spaceships were better. Much of the discussion actually consisted of fan fiction in which posters would write stories set in the universe of Star Trek or Star Wars (or both!) and insert their online persona into the story. While reading some of the hilariously intense debates (aka flamewars) about works of fiction, I came across a few especially serious individuals and internet sites.

One particular real-life character of interest by the name of Wong seemed especially passionate about his love and analysis of Star Wars. Not only would he fiercely argue that Star Wars was clearly superior to Star Trek, he also enjoyed scientifically analyzing Star Trek and Star Wars technology. No detail of the movies was too trivial for a heated, emotional discussion. Wong had no qualms about insulting and putting down those who he felt didn’t have an effective scientific grasp of Star Wars or Star Trek. If you can imagine Richard Dawkins as a Star War fan then you’re beginning to get the idea. He even owns a website which contains much of his analysis. Take this example of his analysis of Star Trek: Insurrection:

Personal Cloaking Devices

Analysis

Much has been made of the personal cloaking devices which were seen in the opening sequence of STI. However, we can see in the film that they are actually not true cloaking devices. Instead, they are using some sort of large-scale hologram system, to create the illusion of invisibility. How do we arrive at this conclusion, which will undoubtedly be hotly contested? There are two critical pieces of substantiating evidence.

1. When the observation post’s camouflage hologram was disrupted by Data’s phaser fire, all of the operatives simultaneously became visible. This indicates that the invisibility of all operatives was dependent upon a central facility.

2. “Cloaked” operatives still cast shadows, as seen in the first screenshot below. This indicates that the objects are not truly invisible. If they were, they would not cast shadows, even when viewed using an advanced sensor system. One could always argue that the “cloaked” operatives are blocking something other than visible light (such as one of the Federation cultists’ never-ending new forms of technobabble subspace-related radiation), but the shadows are clearly being cast in the same direction as the shadows being cast by the buildings, plants, etc. They are therefore being caused by the blockage of light being emitted by that planet’s sun.

The funny thing about people like Wong is that they treat these movies like the directors and editors never make mistakes. Instead of merely accepting that there are shadows because the film makers goofed, he attempts to come up with some absurd technobabble explanation for it all. My favorite part of the quote is when he calls Star Trek fans ‘cultists’, completely ignoring his own fanatic behavior. There’s more great material at that site as well.

My personal favorite recurring debate is over whether or not Alderaan (you know, that planet that the Death Star blew up in the movie) had a planetary shield. Evidence for or against this theory consists of a few frames of film from the first Star Wars movie. But that doesn’t stop obsessed fans from writing huge treatises on the subject. The idea that George Lucas would put such minute details in a movie that, at the time, had no fan base is absurd.

Hopefully, the obsessions of others will become your entertainment.